One month ago today, I had no reason to believe God would not heal you. In fact, I remained on the outskirts and allowed others to tend you. Your mama combed your hair, caressing your head. Your daughters gathered around holding your hands, your son stayed by your side, your dad, Joyce, my parents, they all took turns loving on you. But I held peace, a peace that baffled those around us, and continues to do so. I knew God was going to heal you, even after you took your last breaths I knew. Even after we visited with the funeral home, I knew God would raise you from the dead and you would be healed. Even the day of your Celebration of Life I expected God to glorify His name by presenting you before the couple hundred of people whose lives you touched by your witness of Jesus Christ. But God’s ways are higher than our own, and I will not pretend to understand, but I will trust his will.
A month, and I realize that I never said goodbye, instead I told you to rise and get up. I touched your arms and your hands, still warm, not once cold in the hour after you departed this earth, and I told you to rise. I didn’t feel panic that I would never see you again on this side of heaven.I knew you would pull a Lazarus and rise, and we’d talk about the experience. Yours, mine. In all the knowing, the one thing that superseded was the fact that no matter the outcome, Jesus was the more. He was enough. He is enough.
I sorely miss you, and I have no idea what to expect when I get to heaven. I don’t know if you’ll greet me or if I’ll even care in the face of Jesus Christ, but I miss you. If i could have one more kiss, it’d be much more, one more hug that let me know all was right in this decaying world, it’d be more than a hug, one more caress, one more night to love each other as a man and wife, it would be so much more because I’d know it would be the last. But God in His graciousness and goodness, knew that, didn’t He? Because He knew that if I knew the very second you’d take your last breath I would have clung to every moment with everything in me. I would have focused on all our lasts instead of looking forward to all our eternal things.
Remember how we prayed just a few short months ago to love like God? To have the compassion of Jesus Christ? To know their hearts? Well, God showed me something today, but you know that already, don’t you? He showed me the deep intimate things of His heart, the depth of His love, a love that is incomprehensible to man. Pure and unadulterated. One that could only be known through the deepest of sorrows. One that we, mere humans, can’t even scratch the surface, not a mother grieving her child or a wife her husband can fully understand the depth of God’s love and His sorrow for the lost. It is a love and a sorrow so tightly woven together that there is absolutely no separation. I would share more of this revelation, but it’s not meant to be revealed just yet. In due time.
Thank you for sharing your cup. It is an honor and a privilege to walk this out with you, and I will carry on the ministry of reconciliation, to see many come to the knowledge and revelation of Jesus Christ until His return or my departure, whichever comes first glory be to God.
See ya soon,
Father, I ask that You touch every person who reads this with an understanding of Your heart. That they would know the depth of Your love for them. May they understand that the letter to my graduated husband is to stir their hearts closer to you. That they would know You!